I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
