hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
