she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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