I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I could fuck to npr.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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