if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
