Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
