I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there was a trapeze. enough said
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You are a genius and a whore.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
