i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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