i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
