I am in a vortex of obligation.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
