No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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