Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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