We won't sleep together?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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