hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
