So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
