Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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