my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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