Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
