i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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