I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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