i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
