Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
