I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
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