Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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