stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
