So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
