as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Still dying that you shit outside
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
