Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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