I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
