I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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