just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
