today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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