I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
