My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
