Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize