Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
