Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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