I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
