I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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