All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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