i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize