Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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