My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
