I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
