If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
