my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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