Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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