omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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