I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
