My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
