Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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