So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
