the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
