Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
