i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
