you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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