You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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