Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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