I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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