I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
